Can Prioritizing Yourself Make You Less Resentful?
Whether you’re “the resentful” or “the resented” in your relationship, don’t underestimate this critical warning sign: If left unchecked, resentment undermines the trust, intimacy, and joy that nourish a healthy partnership. That deep sense of frustration can hang like a storm cloud over your life, making it seem like whatever you do for your partner either maintains the status quo - or makes things worse.
So why does resentment build? And, more importantly, what can you do to diffuse it?
At its core, resentment signals some kind of mis-alignment of expectations, needs, or desire within a partnership.
If resentment has been building over a long time, it can be a process to dismantle - but it is possible. Setting clear personal priorities, along with other strategies, can effectively address the dynamics that contribute to resentment in relationships.
In this post, explore:
The root causes of resentment in relationships
How resentment grows and impacts your connection
Strategies to prevent resentment from overwhelming your relationship
Let's dive into how adjusting your focus and prioritizing your relationship's health can guide you towards a more fulfilling partnership. Simplish is here to support you in navigating to a happier, healthier relationship dynamic.
What Is Resentment In A Relationship?
Resentment in a relationship is essentially an emotional burden of bitterness, dissatisfaction, and frustration that you hold against your partner. It builds up over time when your expectations don’t align with your partner’s behavior. Resentment can seriously strain your connection, fuel animosity, and make it difficult to move forward together. While it may be tempting, ignoring or allowing resentment to fester typically makes the problem worse.
The longer you carry resentment, the more it strains your relationship's foundation, risking lasting damage to trust, intimacy, and overall happiness. Addressing resentment promptly is like recognizing the weight on your shoulders and choosing to lighten the load for a healthier and more balanced journey together.
Why We Choose Resentment When There Are Other Options
Resentment usually stems from feelings of mistreatment, neglect, or perceived unfairness in how roles are negotiated in relationships. Are you always the one taking on childcare responsibilities, even though you never explicitly agreed to this role? Or maybe you constantly clean up your partner’s dishes without a fuss, only to completely explode when they make a big deal about tidying up that single empty coffee cup you left on the kitchen table.
This emotional burden triggers a chain reaction that weakens the foundation of positive emotions such as love and trust. As these negative emotions build up, they begin to challenge love and trust as the defining characteristics of the relationship, leading to emotional fatigue and frustration that continues to build momentum.
So why do we let this happen instead of addressing the root issues at hand and moving forward?
Holding onto resentment may seem like the right thing to do at some point in a relationship. Various factors can influence this decision.
You may believe that you are justified in holding onto resentment, thinking that the other party should essentially deal with these destructive emotions. Resentment can also create a false sense of control that shields you from emotional upheaval.
Most of the time, however, the appeal of resentment lies in how comfortable you feel with those emotions. Changing personal coping strategies or working on your relationship dynamics requires effort, self-reflection, and vulnerability. Learning how to be more present in your relationships without judgment helps, but it’s definitely harder than holding to your feelings of anger.
The inertia of resentment may feel safer than the uncertainty confronting change.
Understanding the powerful hold that resentment can have over you is crucial if you’re serious about overcoming it. By recognizing its impact on our lives, you can gain deeper insight into our emotions. Here are some common reasons why you might choose to hold onto resentment instead of working on improving your relationship dynamics.
Familiarity and Comfort: Holding onto resentment can provide a sense of comfort, even though it is a negative and intense emotion. However, it's important to recognize that clinging to these feelings can be harmful, even if they feel familiar.
Perceived Justification: You might believe that holding onto resentment is justified, often with the notion that the other party should feel the weight of the emotions. This perceived justice can make resentment seem like a valid and deserved response.
Distorted Sense of Control: You may find that resentment provides a distorted sense of control, acting as a shield against potential hurt by maintaining emotional distance. It may give you the illusion of protecting yourself from further pain or disappointment.
Avoidance of Uncertainty: Changing your personal coping mechanisms or relationship dynamics requires effort, self-reflection, and vulnerability. You might feel that the inertia of resentment is safer than the uncertainty that comes with confronting these changes. However, it's important to remember that growth and progress often require stepping out of your comfort zone.
Emotional Distance: When resentful, you may create emotional distance as a defense mechanism. You might choose resentment to safeguard yourself from perceived vulnerabilities that come with open communication and emotional intimacy.
Resistance to Change: Over time, resentment becomes a habit, and breaking this pattern requires a willingness to change. Maybe you resist change due to fear, comfort in the status quo, or an aversion to the effort required for personal and relational transformation.
Understanding Resentment and Bitterness In Relationships
Resentment and bitterness can significantly negatively impact healthy relationships if left unaddressed. These difficult emotions can slowly erode even the strongest relationships. In this section, review the most common signs and causes of resentment and its toxic effects on a relationship. By understanding these complicated dynamics, you can identify the best way to overcome resentment based on your situation.
Signs of Resentment In Relationships
Research indicates that resentment often manifests as anger mixed with surprise, disgust, contempt, and shock. But it’s not always that easy to notice it. Recognizing the signs of resentment is pivotal for fostering a healthier relationship. Burnout in its many forms, withdrawal, and diminished intimacy are some of the signs that serve as indicators of deeper issues that demand attention.
Emotional Withdrawal: If you begin to resent your partner, you may start emotionally withdrawing from them. This could lead to decreased intimacy, less communication, and an overall feeling of detachment. Have you ever experienced this with your significant other?
Increased Conflict: If you notice a surge in conflicts and tension within your relationship, it could be a sign of underlying resentment. Issues that go unaddressed can contribute to a hostile environment, leading to arguments and disagreements that escalate over time. Do you think it's time to address any lingering issues in your relationship?
Apathy: Partners harboring resentment may struggle to empathize with each other's perspectives. This lack of understanding can further strain communication and make it challenging to address the root causes of resentment.
Less Physical Affection: Resentment can cast a heavy shadow over intimacy and limit expressions of physical affection. This diminishing connection can exacerbate the negative impact of resentment on the relationship.
Emotional Exhaustion: Constantly navigating the complexities of resentment can lead to emotional exhaustion and even burnout, affecting both the mental and physical well-being of individuals in the relationship.If you're feeling exhausted and unable to work on your relationship, there may be underlying issues to address.
Causes of Resentment In Relationships
Elaine Taylor-Klaus, MCC, CPCC, an expert in relationships, pinpoints the origins of resentment. She affirms that silence becomes the breeding ground for resentment, growing swiftly and building walls against effective communication, hindering closeness. Resentment leads to judgment, blame, taking things personally, and feeling overwhelmed. Recognizing these factors is crucial in understanding and dealing with resentment in relationships early.
Lack of Communication: Communication breakdown is one of the primary reasons for conflicts in many relationships. It could be that you’re unaware of your thoughts, feelings and basic needs - or that you aren’t communicating them to your partner, resulting in misunderstandings that persist over time. This can lead to unresolved issues, burnout, and ultimately, resentment between partners.
Unaddressed Emotional Needs: When emotional needs are not recognized or met in a relationship, it can lead to feelings of resentment. You may feel ignored, unappreciated, or unsupported, creating a sense of dissatisfaction that ultimately turns into resentment. This emotional distance can weaken the relationship's foundation, causing tensions and a growing sense of unhappiness.
Imbalance in Responsibilities: Unequal distribution of responsibilities, whether in domestic chores, childcare, or financial matters, can be a potent cause of resentment. When one partner perceives an unfair burden or a lack of reciprocity, resentment can emerge. This imbalance strains the relationship and contributes to a sense of injustice and dissatisfaction.
Failure to Address Issues: Ignoring or avoiding addressing underlying issues within a relationship can lead to the buildup of resentment. Whether unresolved conflicts, unspoken grievances, or unacknowledged differences, the failure to confront and address these issues allows resentment to take root and thrive. Proactive problem-solving is essential to preventing the festering of resentment in such situations.
Unmet Expectations: Unmet expectations can become a breeding ground for resentment. When your partner anticipates certain actions, gestures, or levels of support that go unrealized, disappointment sets in. Over time, these unfulfilled expectations can accumulate, fostering resentment and diminishing the overall satisfaction within the relationship.
Toxic Effects of Resentment In Relationships
Resentment, if left unchecked, can permeate a relationship with toxic consequences. The effects can be detrimental in both the short term and the long term.
Strain on Communication: In the short term, resentment impedes effective communication, creating barriers that hinder the free exchange of thoughts and feelings between partners.
Long-Term Erosion of Trust: Over time, unresolved resentment can erode trust between you and your partner. The accumulation of negative emotions can create a lasting impact, making it difficult to rebuild trust and intimacy.
Impact on Overall Relationship Satisfaction: Resentment takes a toll on the overall satisfaction within your relationship, diminishing joy and fulfillment that should ideally be present in a healthy and thriving connection.
Potential for Relationship Breakdown: If unaddressed, the toxic effects of resentment can lead to relationship breakdown, with partners growing apart and finding it challenging to reconnect.
How to Overcome Resentment In Relationships
Resentment can have lasting negative effects on your relationship if left unresolved. However, there are several approaches to resolving it. It may require working together with your partner to address the underlying issues or focusing on your personal priorities to determine the best course of action for you.
Which is the best for you? That will depend on various factors, such as:
Willingness to communicate
Severity of resentment
Commitment level
Financial considerations
It's essential to take a thoughtful and comprehensive approach to resolving resentment in your relationship.
Here are two approaches that might be useful in different situations:
Take Action with Your Partner
When dealing with resentment in your relationship, taking action in consensus with your partner can be the best way to tackle it. This involves working together with your partner to find a solution that addresses the root cause of the resentment.
Pro: The benefit of this approach is that it promotes open communication and collaboration between partners. It allows both partners to have a say in finding a solution, which can lead to a more satisfying outcome. Taking action in consensus with your partner also helps to strengthen the bond between you, as it shows a willingness to work together to overcome challenges.
Con: The drawback of this approach is that it can be time-consuming and require a lot of effort from both of you. It may also be difficult to reach a consensus if both partners have different ideas about how to resolve the resentment. Additionally, if the resentment is related to a pattern of behavior that one partner is unwilling to change, taking action in consensus may not be effective.
Overall, taking action in consensus with your partner can be an effective way to address resentment in a relationship, as long as both partners are willing to put in the effort to find a solution together.
Focus on Your Personal Priorities
If collaboration isn't possible or isn't effective, focusing on your personal priorities may be the best approach. Take some time to reflect on what's important to you and what you need from the relationship. This involves identifying your own needs, desires, and goals that can be fulfilled independently of your partner.
By setting clear priorities for your personal needs, you give your partner an example of how you would like them to treat you. This focus can nurture self-respect, autonomy and personal empowerment, releasing you from the torture of needing without receiving.
Making a list is a great way to clarify your personal priorities and help you stay focused and organized. The Simplish app can help you with this. It's easy to use and helps you organize your thoughts and goals. Whether you want to set daily intentions or set long-term goals, Simplish can help you stay on track.
By prioritizing your personal growth and development, you are less likely to feel resentful towards your partner for not meeting your needs.
Pro: This approach promotes individual growth and self-awareness. When you focus on your personal priorities, you are investing in yourself and your future, which can lead to a sense of fulfillment and satisfaction. This can also give you a greater sense of control over your own life, which can help to reduce feelings of resentment towards your partner.
Con: It may lead to a sense of disconnection from your partner. If you are solely focused on your own needs and goals, you may neglect the needs of your partner and your relationship. This can create a sense of distance and disconnect, which can ultimately lead to further resentment. It is important to strike a balance between personal growth and investing in your relationship, so that both you and your partner feel fulfilled and supported.
Set boundaries and communicate your needs to your partner. If your partner is unwilling or unable to meet your needs, it may be time to step back and re-evaluate the relationship.
Remember, resolving resentment in relationships is a process that requires patience, empathy, and commitment from both partners. By taking a thoughtful and comprehensive approach, you can work together to create a healthier and more fulfilling partnership.
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Casarella, J., ed. "Resentment: 7 Signs to Look For." WebMD. December 29, 2022. https://www.webmd.com/mentalhealth/signsresentment#:~:text=Resentment%20describes%20a%20negative%20emotional,a%20normal%20part%20of%20life.
Cleveland Clinic. "6 Reasons Resentment Enters a Relationship." Cleveland Clinic. March 10, 2022. https://health.clevelandclinic.org/6-reasons-resentment-creeps-into-your-relationships-and-what-to-do-about-it/.
Groba, Mo D. "Impacto de las emociones en la decisión de voto: hacia una perspectiva emocional del comportamiento electoral." 2021.