How To Explain the Mental Load to Your Husband
Running a household is a team effort, regardless of who earns more money in your home. Yet research shows that even in marriages where partners earn exactly the same amount of money, women spend more than double the amount of time on housework than their husbands (4.6 hours per week for women vs. 1.9 hours per week for men), and almost two hours more per week on caregiving. ¹
So even when everything appears to be running smoothly in your home, it’s probably because you’ve swept the mental load under the rug in the process of tidying up.
If this sounds familiar, you’re probably wondering how to explain the mental load to your husband so he really gets it. That’s what this article is all about, so keep reading!
Or, maybe you’re ready to take action right now to lighten your mental load? We created a FREE worksheet to help you document your mental load at home ⬇️ It only takes 10 minutes to fill out, and includes discussion prompts do help you have “the talk” with your loved one about what needs to change around the house.
6 Guidelines for Effectively Explaining the Mental Load to Your Husband
When discussing the mental load, it’s crucial that the message to your husband comes clearly from you. Explaining the concept, sharing this article, or even simply listing everything you’ve done the past week will not be enough.
Why?
The mental load isn't just about dividing up chores; it's about sharing the emotional and mental burdens of running a household. What is “fair” in your household may differ from what is “fair” in another, and your agreement in this area is up for negotiation in an honest, constructive conversation with your spouse.
If you're looking for ways to explain mental load to your husband, here are some tips to help you stay on track when you’re experiencing the very real stress of the mental load:
1. Reflect on Your Intentions
Before starting a conversation with your partner, it will be helpful to clearly and honestly identify your intentions to yourself. In challenging conversations, the gap can widen between the intention behind your words, and the impact they have in the discussion.
Ask yourself:
What do you hope to achieve through this discussion?
Do you want to find constructive solutions, or do you just want to vent your frustrations?
Do you want to express your feelings, find solutions, or deepen understanding?
Consider the specific aspects of your mental load that you want to address with your partner. Are particular tasks or responsibilities causing you the most stress or frustration? What task takes the most brain energy from you? By identifying these critical issues, you can focus the conversation on finding solutions that address your most pressing concerns. Clarifying your goals can provide clarity and guide the conversation in a productive direction.
2. Use "I" Statements
When talking to your partner about mental load, you may be tempted to focus on what they’re not doing, e.g. "You never help with anything!" While it may frankly be true, this accusatory language can put your partner on the defensive, leading to conflict.
Using "I" statements shifts the tone and focus. Instead of blaming, you can say, "I feel overwhelmed because I'm handling everything on my own." This approach expresses your feelings and needs without accusing your partner. Your partner may respond more positively, saying, "I didn't realize you felt that way. How can I help?" This simple shift in language can foster a more constructive and empathetic conversation about the mental load.
No matter what you’re talking about, communication is typically most effective from a place of vulnerability and honesty. Instead of pointing fingers or assigning blame, use "I" statements to express your feelings and needs. Your husband may not realize the extent of the mental load you carry, so openly sharing your thoughts and emotions is crucial for mutual understanding and support.
3. Use Team-Oriented Language
Your choice of words can significantly influence the tone and outcome of a conversation. It can be helpful to avoid diving right into your laundry list of chores, and instead, focus on the aspect of teamwork and collaboration that you’d like to develop with your husband around the house. By emphasizing how both partners can contribute to the smooth functioning of the household and meet each other's needs, you are laying the foundation for constructive conversations about the actual work that needs to get done.
This takes time, so don’t expect team spirit after your first sit-down. Creating a positive energy around collaboration in your relationship is the foundation for a healthy and happy connection. It's important to remember that maintaining a healthy relationship takes effort from both partners, so working together as a team is essential for success.
4. Make the Invisible, Visible
The mental load often goes unnoticed because the effort involved in managing it is primarily congitive. To help your husband understand, provide concrete examples from your current life. It may help to review the mental load checklist as a starting point for documenting the countless responsibilities that occupy your mind, from managing schedules to organizing household chores. By making the invisible, visible, you can paint a clearer picture of the challenges you face for your partner.
5. Take Advice Wisely
The mental load is a major challenge for women everywhere. This means that there are abundant articles, forums, and worksheets out there that promise to help you manage the mental load. But be mindful when browsing: Some sources offer recommendations rooted in anger, suggesting that you should stop doing anything for your partner. While this approach may be necessary for some, it is crucial to remember that there are also collaborative ways of addressing the issue. If you envision yourself staying with your partner in the long-run, seek guidance that promotes understanding and partnership rather than contributes to resentment and conflict.
6. Finish with Clear Expectations
As you wrap up the conversation with your husband, it's essential to lay out clear expectations for him going forward. Be specific about what you need from him to help ease your responsibilities, such as taking on specific household tasks or providing emotional support.
Establishing expectations at the end of your discussion gives your partner a clear framework for making any changes to do his part in contributing to a more equitable and balanced partnership.
For example, if you find it overwhelming to manage the family calendar and coordinate schedules, communicate that you need your partner to take a more active role in scheduling appointments and activities. It's important to be specific about the emotional support you expect as well, whether it's listening empathetically when you're feeling stressed or offering reassurance during challenging times.
Moreover, you can consider sharing the mental load more fairly between both partners by outlining a plan that you both agree to. This may involve dividing tasks based on individual strengths and preferences or establishing a rotating schedule for certain responsibilities. By clearly defining each person's role in managing the mental load, you can ensure that neither partner feels overwhelmed or unfairly burdened.
You’re Not Alone (Even When It Feels Like That)
To all the tired parents out there who are managing role strain and dealing with the heavy burden of mental load, always remember that you are not alone. And if things are not changing quickly, don't give up.
Getting your partner more involved at first might feel tiring, and you may have moments when it feels like it would just be easier to do everything yourself. But please try to resist the urge to take over - or take it all back.
It’s likely that you’ll need more than one talk with your partner to re-balance your household management if you’re totally at the end of your rope, but this investment of your time will pay off in the long run. By promoting open communication and mutual understanding, you can reduce the burden and embark on a shared responsibility and partnership journey.
FAQs About the Mental Load in Marriage with Clara Roberts Otero (Lic.)
Clara is a clinical psychologist and freelance writer focusing on mental health and mindfulness. She shares her passion for elevating consciousness about everyday life, the way we live, and where we get stuck through her writing and clinical work with women and families. Below, Clara answers some common questions around addressing the mental load in a family context.
What Are the Four Stages of the Mental Load?
The sociologist, writer, and gender and family scholar Dr. Allison Daminger pioneered research defining the mental load in 2019, breaking it down into four stages that distinguish it, essentially, from “just” doing chores. ² She defined the mental load as four distinct processes that individuals, especially women, engage in while managing household tasks:
Anticipation of Household Needs: This stage involves anticipating upcoming mental tasks or challenges within the household before they arise, such as foreseeing the need to address a toddler's changing sleep patterns.
Identification of Options: According to Daminger, individuals then identify potential solutions or strategies to address the anticipated needs. This may involve researching, seeking advice, or brainstorming alternative approaches. For instance, exploring options such as sleep training methods or using sleep aids like an 'OK to wake clock.'
Decision-Making: Next comes evaluating the identified options and deciding on the most suitable course of action. This stage often involves weighing the pros and cons of each option and considering factors such as feasibility, effectiveness, and personal preferences. For example, deciding to purchase a specific 'OK to wake clock' after discussing various options with a partner.
Monitoring and Implementation: Finally, research indicates that individuals monitor the chosen solution's effectiveness and ensure it is implemented correctly. This stage involves checking back regularly to assess progress, make adjustments if necessary, and ensure the desired outcome is achieved. For instance, monitoring the toddler's sleep patterns after implementing the 'OK to wake clock' to ensure it improves both the child's and parent's sleep quality.
Together, these components highlight the cognitive complexities inherent in effective household management.
Should You Need to Explain the Mental Load? Why Doesn’t He Just Get It?
First of all, let’s recognize that educating your husband about the mental load takes time and energy. If you’re already doing more around the house, it can feel like spending more precious energy on educating your partner about the situation will send you right over the edge. That’s totally valid.
At the same time, it's still essential for you to explain the mental load to your husband in your own words. This conversation will promote mutual understanding and equitable distribution of household responsibilities. While some men may intuitively understand the cognitive load, it cannot be assumed that all men will automatically grasp it without explanation. Open communication and sharing experiences can help bridge the gap and promote connection.
What Is an Example of the Mental Load?
Women often experience a significant mental load due to the constant cognitive burden of managing household tasks, schedules, and family responsibilities. This includes tasks such as planning meals, scheduling appointments, keeping track of family members' needs and preferences, managing household finances, and anticipating future needs and obligations. Additionally, women are often expected to perform emotional labor, such as maintaining familial relationships, resolving conflicts, and providing emotional support. This cognitive burden can lead to heightened stress, anxiety, and even burnout, which has a massive negative impact on overall well-being.
Why Do Women Primarily Carry the Mental Load?
Women primarily carry the mental load due to a combination of factors, including societal norms, values, and the historical roles that women played within families. Often, those who take on the role of primary caregiver naturally assume more responsibility for managing household tasks and family schedules, so many women experience the mental load when having children. Personality traits like perfectionism and communication styles can also influence who takes on the mental load within a relationship.
Do Men Have a Mental Load?
Yes, men also experience a mental load, although it may differ from that of women. Their mental load often involves managing work-related tasks, financial responsibilities, personal goals, and entire family obligations. While societal expectations may place less emphasis on men's involvement in domestic and caregiving tasks, they still carry cognitive burdens related to various aspects of their lives, contributing to their overall mental load.
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1. Hsu, Andrea. “Women Are Earning More Money. But They’re Still Picking up a Heavier Load at Home.” NPR, April 13, 2023. https://www.npr.org/2023/04/13/1168961388/pew-earnings-gender-wage-gap-housework-chores-child-care.
2. Daminger, Allison (2019). The Cognitive Dimension of Household Labor. American Sociological Review, (), 000312241985900–. doi:10.1177/0003122419859007