A Productivity Expert on The Invisible Labor of Motherhood
Invisible labor makes this whole thing possible. And by âwhole thingâ, I mean literally the world we live in. Just in case you were wondering why something thatâs been invisible is such an important topic.
My first head-on collision with invisible labor was at the start of my first pregnancy 12 years ago. Overnight, I was thrust into a new role that came with no onboarding, no manual and no surprise, no salary. Though I would later realize that I had been expected to willingly provide invisible labor throughout my life, this was the first time that it became glaringly obvious to me.
No sooner had I taken the pregnancy test, than suddenly there was so much new information I had to learn and process at a very fast pace. It was so overwhelming and confusing. And this is coming from someone who went to law school!
On top of it, all of these new responsibilities were supposed to be happening in the same 24 hours already spent navigating doctorâs appointments, working on freelance projects and being completely exhausted at the end of each day (that whole making a human thing can really take it out of you).
On the other hand, my husband, a super-involved and supportive partner, wasnât suddenly overcome with the need to pour over baby books, blogs and studies. And he didnât feel stressed about researching the many different models of baby carriers, the best sleep schedules or the right method to give birth (spoiler alert there isnât one but people sure have a lot of opinions on it).
And this trend persisted during the first few years of our daughter's life. In terms of child care and spending time with our daughter, we were absolutely equal partners (which I know is not the case for many others). But there also was this ever growing list of things that needed to be done that fell outside of that.
There were constantly shifting sands, presenting new things to process and understand. From researching schools to ensuring our home had more than just cereal for dinner, navigating age-appropriate developmental activities, and coordinating playdates, it felt like a whirlwind. And again all of this was expected to happen alongside work responsibilities, travel plans, and larger family obligations.
As I look back, the most striking thing about that huge transition? We never actually had a conversation about WHO was supposed to take on this managerial role and all of the new responsibilities that came with it.
And though it seems obvious now, I didnât realize it was because I myself had been conditioned into automatically assuming that of course it should be me.
We Canât Fix What We Donât See: Invisible Labor
At the time, I had never heard about âinvisible laborâ or the related terms âmental loadâ and âemotional labor.â What I did know was that I was increasingly feeling exhausted by how much there was to strategize, contemplate and figure out. It felt like I was on one of those impossible staircases in an Escher painting and I would keep trying to figure out a way to reach the top. So there was very little physical and more importantly mental rest - ever.
I was also new to Los Angeles and one of the first of my friendâs to have a baby. So much of my growing frustration at the time was directed towards myself and my husband. I couldnât figure out how entire days would feel so busy and yet I âwasnât getting anything doneâ.
And surely not everyone could be feeling this way otherwise they would all be talking about it all the time! It wasnât until years later that I started seeing some of these topics coming up through social media at first mostly in the form of jokes and memes about burnt out and exhausted women and mothers.
It was a lot of these feelings that inspired some of the underpinnings of Simplish - a way to honor and show what was being done and to be able to share it.
But what started out as an individual feeling about my own capacity, my relationship, and my support structure, began to reveal so much more.
Who Benefits from Keeping the Labor of Motherhood Invisible?
Well - pretty much everybody except for the ones doing it!
Our entire society is propped up by the unpaid labor of predominantly women.
Around the world, women do three out of every four hours of unpaid labor, according to a United Nations report which stated that:
unequal division of unpaid work can reduce earnings, and the economic independence that comes from individual earnings is vital for the agency of women in communities around the world.Âč
As a first step, I wanted to see and acknowledge the work I was doing MYSELF and as a second step I wanted my partner to see it. Just as in any organization, it was important to document the work process so I could then figure out how to delegate without adding more stress to the mix.
*Also note that all this documentation and delegation are additional tasks to add to the list! So good to think about the next time someone recommends âtaking a breakâ or practicing âself-careâ those Motherâs day cards espouse. But the UN report demonstrates how devastating invisible labor can be beyond the emotional and psychological impacts of it. Itâs not just about appreciation or acknowledgement.
Roles Driven by Unspoken Expectations
I wish I had known at the time that I became a mother why exactly this heavy burden was so hard to articulate. It was because throughout history, primarily women, had been doing this work behind the scenes: unseen, unnoticed and unpaid.
It is this work that gave life to the term âinvisible laborâ by sociologist Arlene Daniels in a 1987 article about "invisible work,â whose âbreadth and depthâŠis the foundation not only of our society but our economy.ÂČ Without the constant seemingly never ending supply of unpaid work being provided by and demanded of primarily women, things would quickly come to a screeching halt.â
Like I said: Invisible labor is what makes anything and everything possible.
Since then, Iâve had countless conversations with other women about the emotional impact their tireless efforts and contributions without any visible reward or appreciation have had on them. And beyond not receiving accolades, the most important impact: the very real financial one of time spent providing free labor.
The women I spoke to were burnt out, overwhelmed and so tired. And without the language and understanding around invisible labor, many were still in the same position I had been in.
Isnât this just what we expect of women, of mothers, of âmanagersâ of the household?
Is it me who is doing this wrong?!
(No, apparently).
Research conducted by Ciciolla and her colleagues has shown that the mental load is linked to strains on mothers' well-being and lower relationship satisfaction.Âł Nearly nine in 10 mothers in committed partnerships say they feel solely responsible for organizing the family's schedules, for example, and the burden left them feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, and unable to make space for their own self-care.â
So why is it that such an overwhelming majority of mothers felt like they were solely responsible? This troubling statistic made it clear to me that once again while we are fighting this battle in each individual home, the problem was clearly systemic.
Somehow the message had been driven home loud and clear that a majority of this work was simply the natural purview of women. After all, women were just better at it right? And more ânaturallyâ inclined towards it? In most homes, neither party questioned who the âdefault parentâ would be and there was no education or discussion around questioning that assumption. Why wouldnât they be better at it if it was the expectation placed on them long before they were even born? And the not so subtle messages that this was their primary role to aspire to and fulfill.
As more women began working outside of the home, that shift didnât give rise to how to now redistribute household work. As it was always âwomenâs workâ it was then also left to us to figure out how to make sure it still got done. And most of the time it meant âdoing it all.â
Invisible Labor Isnât Just Happening in the Home
Though there is so much more to say about invisible labor within the household, it is not the only place that it can show up. Within the workplace, there are often âsoftâ responsibilities or tasks that are also primarily taken up by women and are undervalued, unpaid or unseen. Think of the next time someone is responsible for setting up the happy hour after work.
Creating a New System to Recognize Invisible Labor
The value and complexity of invisible labor really hit home for me after I came across a book written by Eve Rodsky called Fair Play. A fellow former-lawyer, she articulated a methodical, intellectual and deeply respectful analysis of invisible labor and all the different moving parts involved.
What I resonated most with was the framework she provided to understand that invisible labor is so far beyond the domestic tasks (also taken on primarily by women) like cooking, cleaning or budgeting in the home. But it also included the tremendous mental load of researching, strategizing and deciding what should and needs to be done.
I truly believe that adding methodology and process to an incredibly important unit - the home - is crucial to addressing burnout and promoting equity within it. This could be a way to help each of the women I spoke to realize it wasnât just them or their relationship; it was a structural problem.
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The United Nations. (2015, January 1). Human development report 2015. Human Development Reports. https://hdr.undp.org/content/human-development-report-2015
Daniels, A. K. (1987a). Invisible work*. Social Problems, 34(5), 403â415. https://doi.org/10.2307/800538
Ciciolla, L., & Luthar, S. S. (2019). Invisible household labor and ramifications for adjustment: Mothers as captains of households. Sex Roles, 81(7â8), 467â486. https://doi.org/10.1007/s11199-018-1001-x