What Is Authentic Relating? The Story of a Movement
Cultivating authentic relationships is a legit minefield these days. There just seem to be so many conditions and obstacles that precede the one thing we need perhaps more than anything else in the world (besides food and water): human connection.
We want to “be real” without revealing too much
We crave low-fi human contact, and hope that likes, swipes and follows will get us there
We believe in products that promise human connection and forget that we, as humans, know the basics already
…Then there’s the complicated social protocol for meeting new people in the age of a global pandemic.
For all of these reasons, though, authenticity is actually having a comeback. The search for genuine human connection is at the center of what’s known as the “authentic relating” (AR) movement - but what is it all about?
The authentic relating movement is a practice-based approach to social connection that aims to cultivate better, healthier, and more meaningful relationships. At its heart, authentic relating is about getting in touch with your true nature and manifesting your authentic self in daily life.
Does it sound too good to be true? Read on and decide for yourself.
What Is Authentic Relating?
Imagine a world where you can freely share your authentic life experiences with yourself and others. A world where you feel more at ease in our own skin while living in a welcoming, judgment-free environment, free from the pressures of pretending to be happy just to fit in.
It sounds like equal parts Peter Pan fantasy and immersive yoga retreat, right?
In reality, this is the vision that the founders of the "authentic relating movement" pictured when they established this practice in the late 1990s. Fringe as it may sound, the movement has far-reaching influence, despite flying under the radar. If you ever hear yoga teachers, educators, choreographers, or hippies talking about “creating a container” when discussing an exercise, that’s thanks to authentic relating.
Using the principles of authentic relating - shared through group games - authentic relating offers a clear and practical way to deal with life altogether: it's an approach to interacting with everyone in your life using a set of tools designed to help you discover deeper layers of your authentic self and those around you. It’s for anyone dedicated to self-development who’s curious about unveiling the hidden relationship dynamics of all your relationships. Let’s take a closer look at how authentic relating can help you overcome relationship issues by communicating more openly and effectively.
Authentic Revolution: A History and Philosophy
Authentic relating was born in San Francisco in the 1990s, at the dawn of the tech boom. It draws from and co-evolved with other conscious communication approaches including Non-Violent Communication, Circling and Transpersonal Psychology, that moved beyond psychotherapy to navigate the rapidly changing social dynamics caused by digital life. In the vibrant, progressive and mercurial setting of tech startup culture, two groups of visionaries began a journey that would lead to the discovery of Authentic Relating and Circling practices. They built a community based on the common idea of encouraging deeper intimacy with oneself and with another.
At the core of authentic relating philosophy is a vision to create a community that overcomes the conflict, alienation and loneliness in modern virtual society. Through groups in major cities including Seattle, Berlin, Stockholm, and Toronto, festivals and active online forums, authentic relating has developed into a global social movement, nestled comfortably into the subcultural space shared by the technology and wellness industries.
At the core of authentic relating philosophy is a vision to create a community that overcomes the conflict, alienation and loneliness in modern virtual society.
Let the Games Begin
As serious as all of this sounds, AR actually boils down to fun and games. Really! The primary form of AR practice is through a set of social games designed to help you let your guard down. The theory is that games transport us to a more childish, unfiltered, hence authentic aspect of our nature, and that's exactly why their practice is a crucial part of this movement.
“Gamifying” human connection is effective because it facilitates the learning process and breaks down social barriers, allowing you to observe your way of communicating while tapping into feelings like curiosity and empathy, which are essential to creating deep bonds. Here are a few examples:
“The Handshake”: In one of the most beloved authentic relating games, partners approach each other as if to shake hands. Without speaking, they “shake hands” through simply making eye contact and witnessing each other.
Crowdsourced Meditation: Practiced in a group setting, participants are asked to name their realities pop-corn style. “I’m judging this thought” / “I’m smelling pizza”, “My fingertips are tingling” etc. It’s a shared practice of getting to know each other’s realities while helping each other to stay present.
Googling Each Other: This association game is reminiscent of the childhood favorite “concentration” game. Played in pairs, the goal is to “Google” each other by pairing your partner’s name with a phrase you’re curious about. In response, they share their “top result”.
The 5 Practices of Authentic Relating
All of the authentic relating games are guided by five core practices that guide followers toward an honest and mindful relationship with self and other. All of these practices are purposely designed to universally fit any scenario and individual. Let's explore them in depth:
Welcome Everything.
This principle may be familiar to meditators. Welcoming everything starts with self-compassion, which encourages the expression of genuine authenticity. In this practice, we embrace and accept everything we're conscious of, whether we're talking about physical or psychological aspects of our persona.
Assume Nothing.
When we start with acceptance, we set ourselves free from judgment, identity crises and assumptions. The human mind is naturally prone to create assumptions that encourage behavior to fit within social constructs. That's why it's important to break down assumptions and create a judgment-neutral mental environment. This practice allows you to reconsider beliefs and actions that don’t support your authentic self.
Reveal Your Experience.
We’re typically trained that revealing too much of our insecurity results in failure, judgment, and ultimately, social rejection. Through the practice of revealing experience in authentic relating, we become familiar with the empowering experience of sharing our essence, speaking our minds freely, and manifesting our true desires, ideas and emotions without the fear.
Own Your Experience.
No two paths through this life are the same. The authentic relating movement centers this truth by encouraging practitioners to own their unique experience rather than seek meaning in narratives created for and by others. Owning your experience means accepting and loving your unique path through life, and ultimately locating the source of your experience within.
Honor Self and Other.
When we are detached from our true nature, we cannot truly love ourselves - so how can we possibly expect to connect with others? That’s why it's important to establish a healthy relationship with ourselves based on an understanding of firm personal boundaries before connecting to others. This inside-out approach creates a safe space where everyone feels equally valued, honored, and respected.
Vulnerability as a Practice: When Is the Reveal, Real?
You may be wondering if vulnerability can really be practiced. Isn’t the nature of vulnerability out of our direct control? Don’t the common signs that we’re taking an emotional risk - the butterflies in the stomach, the desire for privacy, the quick mental calculations that awaken all of the senses - fade away when we repeatedly visit vulnerability, with those close to us and with strangers?
We see this all of the time in our news feeds: deeply revealing personal statements that move followers to “care”, “like” and comment. This type of sharing isn’t grounded in emotional accountability. Instead of bringing you closer to the person or people you share with, it asks others to react.
To be clear: This isn’t authentic relating.
Sharing sensitive information with the primary aim of getting a reaction from others is much closer to co-dependence than authentic relating.
According to Dr. Wendy Gould, co-dependence is excessive emotional or psychological reliance on a partner, typically one who requires support on account of an illness or addiction. While one could describe an oversharing of codependent nature as “authentic expression”, it violates the fifth and final principle of authentic relating, which is perhaps the most important for setting boundaries in this practice: honor the self and other.
Lessons from Covid-19: The Importance of Social & Mental Health
The Covid-19 pandemic that broke out in March 2020 and the years of lockdowns that followed emphasized the importance of social relationships in our overall health.
Across the globe, medical experts and public officials advised people to maintain a safe distance from each other in public spaces and limit the number of close contacts in order to slow the spread of COVID-19. These guidelines triggered resistance and inflammatory political clashes around the globe, and even those who follow the guidelines struggled along in social bubbles.
Why, exactly, was this so tough?
As the Authentic Relating movement would agree, humans are inherently social creatures. We seek solace in others, especially in loved ones, in times of stress. The demand to distance ourselves from others - although we may know and accept the scientific benefits to our own and others’ health - runs against our nature. Evolution has hard-wired us to seek the support of our families, friends, and the broader community. We ache to hug one another, to share our precarious collective struggle, and to feel that we are supported and loved through these tough times.
This period left us with several important lessons about the importance of supportive, authentic relationships in our overall health:
Social isolation has negative health effects. First of all: Yes, social distancing helped prevent the spread of Covid-19 and saved countless millions of lives. Yet the cost was prolonged isolation that affected our social and mental health. Studies have previously shown that people who are socially distant or lonely have higher levels of the stress hormone cortisol, show weaker immune responses, and are at an increased risk of death. In short, feelings of loneliness have implications for physiological stress processes. Isolation can also have mental effects, like depression, anxiety, and an increase in suicidal thoughts.
Small gestures matter. When we couldn’t connect in person, the small things became even more important: Offering a smile to strangers (even through your mask), checking in with others via text, phone call, email, phone call, or video chat, and keeping regular commitments of any kind helped us through the darkest times.
We all deeply need each other. Did you know anyone who had to self-isolate without any support? Whether travelling from abroad or exposed to illness locally, we learned that support in buying groceries, picking up prescriptions, and offering childcare made all the difference to those unable to leave their home. Your act of kindness kept others safe.
Doomscrolling makes you more anxious. In the early days of the pandemic, keeping up to date with the bad news pouring out of every digital device was actually essential for planning your daily life. Yet as the crisis dragged on, many of us found ourselves glued to the screen, doomscrolling non-stop on ordinary days. And no, endlessly scrolling didn’t help.
There are positives in crisis. The pandemic brought out the best and worst of humanity. While it’s natural to focus on the loss, there were also bright points: volunteerism and acts of kindness, stories of recovery, environmental benefits from the decrease of human activity, time to bake, cook, and spend time on hobbies at home, and the awakening of purpose for many people who suddenly found themselves considering what was actually important.
Social isolation creates a market for misinformation. Isolated and afraid, thousands of people turned to the internet for advice to protect themselves from Covid-19. Un-proven and even toxic “cures” promoted in viral social media posts led to deaths, illness, and distrust of scientifically proven measures against the spread of the virus.
Fear fuels prejudice. Prejudice can be considered another form of misinformation embedded in identity. Feeding on the public fear, certain media organizations (including the scientific journal Nature, who later apologized for the coverage) dubbed the Coronavirus as the “Chinese virus,” fuelling a wave of hate crimes against Asians around the world.
Discrimination takes a heavy toll on mental health. Discrimination is damaging to targeted individuals’ mental health. While the pandemic was difficult for everyone, minorities experienced the additional layer of psychological distress based on Covid-related discrimination . Research found that racial and ethnic minorities endured psychological distress due to Covid- related discrimination while White adults were unaffected.
Closing Thoughts
The authentic relating movement challenges social customs by inviting us to welcome our whole self into relationships. Authentic relating games encourage us to push our comfort zones, to freely speak our mind and our heart, and to accept vulnerability as part of forging deeper and more meaningful relationships. As we learned from the Covid-19 pandemic, our health is at stake: Social and mental health are deeply intertwined with our overall physical health. The big picture behind this new-age practice is to simplify our life by focusing on how we relate to fellow human beings - one “handshake” at a time.