Emotional Accountability: Relationships Beyond Reactivity
If you’ve wrestled with blame in your relationships, you already know why emotional accountability matters.
This is because you’ve experienced - either as blamer or the blamed - those lose-lose, infuriating arguments that arise when someone avoids emotional accountability.
Blaming another person for emotions that you experience typically leads to reactive exchanges that leave you feeling frustrated and out of control (no matter who started it).
If you want to do better, it’s time to embrace emotional accountability.
This is all about being mindful of how your emotions affect others, recognizing and owning your emotional reactions, and taking steps to manage them in a healthy and constructive way. In this article, learn the most common mistakes people make with emotional accountability and get tips for how to do better 💫
Stepping up to emotional accountability is legit work. Take time to reflect on the conditions in your life that lead to emotional avoidance, and be patient with yourself as you work on change.
What is Emotional Accountability?
As Daniel Goleman, the author of "Emotional Intelligence," puts it, emotional accountability is "the ability to monitor one's own and other's feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide one's thinking and actions."
In simple terms, it is all about being responsible for your own emotional reactions and responses. Taking full accountability for your emotional life involves becoming aware of your emotions, how they affect yourself, how they affect those around you, and taking proactive steps to manage them in a healthy and constructive way 💛
There are countless benefits to being emotionally accountable. It helps you build stronger, more meaningful relationships. Stepping into emotional accountability builds relationships based on trust, awareness, and mutual respect.
It's not always easy, but by being emotionally accountable, you can improve your emotional intelligence. This will unlock a world of benefits that bring more ease to your personal life and your relationships.
So what does this actually look like? Taking emotional accountability can include:
Recognizing when you feel angry or frustrated and taking a few deep breaths before responding instead of reacting impulsively and causing harm to yourself or others
Reflecting on what you’re not willing to compromise on in relationships, and taking steps to communicate and enforce these boundaries
Apologizing when you have caused someone else emotional distress, no matter how overwhelmed, angry or upset you were feeling at the time 🙏
Taking complete ownership of your actions by committing to make things right next time
Seeking support from trusted friends, colleagues or professional when you are struggling with difficult emotions that spill into every part of your life
Engaging in activities that bring you joy and relaxation
Setting healthy boundaries with tech if you notice that screen time is negatively affecting your emotional well-being
Emotional Accountability vs. Emotional Responsibility
Emotional accountability and emotional responsibility are often used interchangeably, but they actually have slightly different meanings.
While emotional accountability is focused on taking ownership of one's emotions and how they impact others, emotional responsibility is focused on actively managing one's emotions to promote well-being for oneself and others.
Think of it this way: emotional accountability is like being the hostess of a dinner party, while emotional responsibility is like being the chef.
When hosting a dinner party for your friends, you're responsible for preparing the meal and creating a welcoming environment. However, you can't control how your guests will react or behave. That's where emotional accountability comes in.
Emotional accountability is kind of like hosting a dinner party. You're responsible for creating a safe and respectful space, but you can't control how others will act or feel within that space. You can take responsibility for your own emotions and reactions, but you can't take responsibility for other people's emotions and reactions.
On the other hand, emotional responsibility is like being the dinner party chef. You're responsible for the food you prepare and the ingredients you use. If someone has an allergic reaction or gets sick, it's your responsibility to take action and ensure they get the help they need, because you made the food!
In the same way that you can't control how your guests will respond to the food you prepare at a dinner party - no matter how hard you try to make it delicious - you can't control how others will react to your emotions.
You can take responsibility for your own emotions and reactions, but you cannot be responsible for others' emotions.
Simply put, emotional accountability is about taking ownership of your own emotions and being mindful of how they impact others, while emotional responsibility is about taking action to address the consequences that your emotions and reactions have on others.
Emotional Accountability: Taking responsibility for one's own emotional reactions and responses and communicating them in a way that is respectful and constructive towards others. It involves recognizing and owning one's emotions, being mindful of how they impact others, and taking steps to manage them in a healthy and productive manner.
Emotional Responsibility: Managing and regulating one's own emotions and not letting them negatively affect others. It involves taking proactive steps to manage one's emotional well-being and to avoid causing harm or distress to others.
The Most Common Mistakes People Make When Taking (Or Avoiding) Emotional Accountability
Emotional accountability is a powerful tool for building strong and meaningful relationships with others. But, as with any new skill, it's easy to make mistakes along the way.
Let's face it, we've all been there. Maybe you've ignored someone's feelings because you were too focused on your own, or perhaps you've tried to take on someone else's emotional baggage as your own. Maybe you're just approaching emotional accountability in the wrong way.
The good news is that by identifying the most common mistakes people make when taking (or avoiding) emotional accountability, you can avoid falling into these traps yourself.
Let's take a closer look at the most common mistakes people make and how you can steer clear of them.
Habitually Suppressing Your Own Emotions 🚫: It's essential to remember that your emotions are valid, and suppressing them can lead to unhealthy behaviors and negative outcomes. Instead, try to recognize and process your emotions in a healthy way, such as through journaling or talking with a trusted friend or therapist.
Taking Excessive Responsibility for Others’ Emotions: While it's important to be empathetic and supportive, it's not your responsibility to fix others' emotions or make them happy. Instead, focus on being a good listener and providing support when needed, while also recognizing and respecting others' autonomy and emotional responsibility.
Consistently Overlooking How Others Feel: It's easy to get caught up in your own emotions and forget to consider how others are feeling. Remember that emotional accountability involves recognizing and owning your emotions, as well as being mindful of how they impact others.
Blaming Others for Your Own Emotional Reactions 👉🏽 When you react emotionally, it's easy to point the finger at someone else and blame them for how you feel. However, it's important to remember that your emotions are your own responsibility, and you need to take accountability for how you react.
Expecting Others to Manage Your Emotions: While it's essential to have a support system and people who can help you through difficult times, it's not fair to expect others to manage your emotions for you. You need to take responsibility for your own emotions and learn healthy coping mechanisms (we'll dig deeper into this later!).
Remember, emotional accountability is a journey 👣 Making mistakes along the way is okay. The important thing is to recognize these mistakes and work towards becoming a more emotionally accountable person.
How to Take Responsibility for Your Feelings
Taking responsibility for our emotions is often easier said than done. We've all been in situations where we react emotionally and later regret our words or actions. But you can take responsibility for them and learn how to manage them in a healthy way. Let’s dive into some practical tips for taking responsibility for your emotions and regaining control over how you feel.
1. Practice self-awareness.
Start by paying attention to your emotions and how you react to them. When you feel a strong emotion, take a moment to recognize it and identify what triggered it. If you're new to this, you can start by taking five minutes every night to jot the strong emotions you experienced during the day down in your journal 📝 As you gain insight into your emotional patterns, you'll be able to do it in real time. As a result, you'll be able to understand better and take ownership of your own emotional responses.
2. Work on setting boundaries.
Setting healthy, effective boundaries that protect your needs is the bread and butter of emotional accountability. Boundaries essentially set the expectations that you bring to relationships; both what you expect of others, and what others expect of you. Setting (and enforcing) boundaries takes practice, so take your time and be kind to yourself when things don’t go as planned.
3. Use "I" statements.
When communicating your emotions to others, try using "I" statements instead of "you" statements. For example, instead of saying "you make me feel angry," say "I feel angry when X happens." This can help you take ownership of your emotions and stop pointing fingers.
4. Build healthy (or healthier) coping mechanisms.
Instead of relying on others to manage your emotions, learn healthy coping mechanisms you can use when different emotions arise. This might include things like exercise, meditation, or journaling. Having a variety of coping strategies can help you navigate your emotions and take responsibility for your own emotional well-being.
5. Seek support when needed.
Sometimes, taking responsibility for your own emotions will mean admitting you need support. Don't be afraid to reach out to friends, family, or a mental health professional when you're struggling. Asking for help is a sign of strength, not weakness.
Remember, taking responsibility for your feelings is not an overnight process. It takes time, practice, and patience. But, with each step forward, you'll feel more empowered and in control of your emotions. Start small and keep at it.