How to Stop Feeling Guilty and Own Your Life

"I feel bad."

“I don’t think I should…”

“I want to but I might hurt their feelings.”

“They might not like it if I…”

Does any of this sound familiar?

It does to me! I had this playlist on repeat for years. I know how crippling the guilt soundtrack can be. Especially because it always played the loudest when I was about to do something for myself that other people didn’t agree with.

Guilt is that creeping feeling that prevents us from doing things that we really want or need to be doing for personal fulfillment. It tries to make you feel terrible for daring to listen to the voice inside of yourself…much less using that inner voice.

Guilt drains you.

It doesn’t like authenticity - it guides you towards replicating the happiness of others rather than finding your own. It torments you when you want balance. It really doesn’t like you at all, really, and turns you against yourself when you buy into its subversion. 

Guilt sucks.

How to Stop Feeling Guilty and Own Your Life

We can feel guilty that we don’t make enough money, aren’t high enough in the corporate ladder, and maybe didn’t make the right moves to get us where we “should” be. Guilt can grow when you draw firm boundaries and say “no” because we worry about disappointing the people we care about. When we don't eat right, exercise enough, or honestly ANY TIME we don't do something we think we should be doing more - guilt spins its sneaking web and traps us in the middle.

In our supercharged society, being happy with what you’ve got or where you are supposedly demonstrates that you aren’t very ambitious or always striving to have or be the ‘best’ — something that our society values a whole lot.

Guilt can grow when you focus on disappointing the people you care about above tending to your own needs and comfort.

But what if you’re just good? Not the best. Not the worst. Just good. What if you didn’t have to do it ALL and feel bad about everything you didn’t do?

And what would it take to actually live that way?

Here is a guide to stop feeling guilty for anyone who battles that nagging voice:

1. If You Don’t Want to Do Something — Just Say ‘No’

Ok, so this isn’t a groundbreaking concept. But damn is it hard to actually do when faced with the real consequences of saying no! For some, saying no is challenging because it somehow means disappointing people you may deeply care about.

The only way to have the strength to do it is to be deeply in tune with yourself about what you really want - and not what you SHOULD want. When you reflect on this, you might notice a few particularly draining tasks that you repeatedly make time for, even though there are a million other things you would rather be doing. If that’s the case, try making a not-to-do list of these tasks.

Or, even better? Steal these examples of healthy boundaries and put them to work in your life to prevent your not-to-do list from getting any longer. Not only will you avoid being needlessly depleted doing things you don’t want to do, you will also be creating time and space for doing things that will actually improve your health, mood and happiness.

2. Say ‘Yes’ to Things You Actually Want to Do

You are allowed to do things for yourself that feed your soul and not just your pocketbook. Contrary to popular belief, you don’t need to be hyper efficient and productive at every waking moment. So if you want to take a guitar class because it relaxes you and not because you have grand plans to become a Youtube star, well that’s reason enough to do it! Not everything has to be done purely to be able to someday monetize it.

So it’s okay to spend some time, money, and learning on yourself. Ultimately each of us needs to figure out the best way to care for ourselves and stay happy and inspired in this crazy, mixed-up world.

3. Be Content with “Good Enough”

Stop beating yourself about everything you are not. Be content with being good enough. It may not be the best, biggest, splashiest, shiniest, newest thing out there but you know what…it’s good enough.

There is nothing wrong with having small bite sized goals and feeling good about actually accomplishing them. It does not have to be a marathon or bust attitude. Good enough is good enough.

4. Be Kind to Yourself

How often do you blame yourself for a mistake? Most of us are prone to be too hard on ourselves, believing that we should somehow be able to avoid mistakes altogether if we were just more on top of things.

This form of self-blame feeds right into guilt, creating a negative feedback loop of emotions that break us down rather than build us up. In the long run, feeding guilt/blame cycles can truly jeopardize our self-esteem, damage our self-confidence, and suffocate creativity. It also tends to impair our communication with those close to us, as we focus energy on our own struggle instead of reaching out. 

Cultivating genuine self-forgiveness and self-compassion is the first step in being a more kind to yourself. One of the great side-effects of being your own best friend? You set an example for how you would like others to treat you. After all, if we're not kind and loving to ourselves, how can we expect to do the same with other individuals?

Cultivating genuine self-forgiveness and self-compassion is the first step in being a more kind to yourself.

5. Shift Your Perspective

Another way you can learn how to stop feeling guilty about something is to shift your perspective. Sometimes we get so incredibly caught up in our own self-talk that we lose track of context, the role that others play in our feelings, and what we may be taking accountability for that is simply not our problem. 

Ask a trusted third-party family member or a close friend to offer objective feedback. Give the most basic details, and then ask, "What would you do if you were in my shoes?" Most people love, love LOVE this question, and will probably come with more advice than you know what to do with. The point is not to find an answer, but to shift your perspective - and appreciate the fact that you can respond differently. 

Remember that asking for feedback is never a sign of weakness, but rather of real bravery. It requires you to fearlessly acknowledge vulnerability in pursuit of greater understanding. Hello, self development!

6. Practice Daily Mindfulness

Breaking free from negative thinking patterns takes time. One of the best practices for letting go of guilt is to take a moment to press the "pause" button of your life when these feelings come up. Take a deep breath and shift attention to your inner landscape and sensory experience through mindfulness. 

Mindfulness is the practice of developing complete awareness of your thoughts, feelings, bodily sensations, and surrounding environment. When we are mindful, we're rooted in the present moment and all of the sensations and experiences that come with it.

Practicing mindfulness encourages self-acceptance because it shows us that all we really have is with us right now, in this moment.

Our feelings change, but we only ever have our current experience of them - everything else is an interpretation, a judgment, or a prediction that may or may not come true.

When we apply mindfulness practice in daily life, we not only are more able to accept the discomfort of feeling like guilt, but we enable ourselves to cultivate positive feelings that ultimately lead us to a path of deep personal growth.

7. Don't Identify with Your Actions

Closely interlinked with the practice of mindfulness is the idea of detachment from action. This doesn’t mean shunning accountability or checking out of life in any way whatsoever! The problem is that we often identify ourselves with actions and emotions to the point that we make it difficult to appreciate the boundless qualities we possess, and with them - the potential for change. 

When we strongly identify with actions or emotions, we are typically prone to black and white thinking about who we are. We fall into the trap of moral perfectionism, leading ourselves to believe that whatever we do or however we feel determines whether we're a “bad person” or a “good person” - with little tolerance for neutrality. 

Isn’t the reality usually something in between? We are multi-faceted beings, shifting daily between roles, and ever-adapting to our environments. Our ‘average day’ never actually happens - it’s just the cumulative result of our ups, downs, and the many middling days where nothing extraordinary happens. 

So next time you find yourself devoured by feelings of guilt, try to remember that we're all human beings and that your actions don't define your true nature.

8. Ask Yourself What’s (Really) Fuelling Your Guilt

Maybe you just don't even know the cause of your guilt. The next time you find yourself cycling through regret, guilt, shame, and blame, analyze the root causes of your feelings. Did you actually do something wrong? 

Try to investigate what's really fueling this spiral of toxic emotions. It might be that you’re ashamed because you fall into the same traps again and again, and shame is actually fueling your guilt. 

If your inner research comes up with zero results and you still don’t know why you feel guilty, it could be that you're blaming yourself for something you are truly not responsible for. You might be in a relationship with someone who gaslights you, and as a result, you doubt your intuition. Whatever the ultimate source of your guilt, take stock and open your mind to the fact that you may not have done anything wrong.

9. Learn to Let Go

If you like to be in control, you may feel guilty for things even when they are completely out of your control. How many times have you found yourself wondering "if I hadn't done this, that wouldn't have happened". This is especially true when it comes to the behavior of people around you. While it’s hard to argue with the idea that everyone is ultimately responsible for their own behavior, it’s common for control-loving people to blame themselves for the reactions of others when they are perceived as preventable. 

Think: you never go out with friends on Fridays because your partner enjoys time alone with you then. One week, you decide to go out with friends anyway, and you have a great time - but your partner is disappointed. You feel guilty because you could have stayed home. 

Instead of taking responsibility for others’ reactions, what we should try to do instead is to come to terms with the fact that we cannot always control what happens in our lives - including (and especially!) the behavior of other people. 

Focus on letting go of what is out of your control. Find peace with the current state of things, and accept what comes up when you do.

What guilt is holding you back right now?